by williedollars

You know what’s tough? Throwing a good house party. There are lots of variables in play here: you have to have a house, friends, alcohol and… uhh… well, uhh… I guess there’s actually not that much to it. So scratch that. It’s not that hard to throw a good house party. But I’m already on this train of thought and dammit I’m going to stay on it: It is difficult to throw a house party that anybody outside of the people who attended, literally anybody, would ever care to watch a video of. Ever had someone show you some video on their phone from this one time when everyone was drunk and you watch a bunch of kids giggle for like two minutes forty seconds and finally you get a “man, you really just had to be there.” BITCH IF YOUR VIDEO HAS FEWER THAN 20 THOUSAND VIEWS ON YOUTUBE IT JUST WASN’T THAT FUNNY AND YOUR PARTY JUST WASN’T THAT GOOD AND I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT.

This guy is one of the few who've passed the test. Well done Corey Worthington. Click the picture.

This guy however is one of the few who’ve passed the test. Well done, Corey Worthington. Click the picture.

This year Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus both decided to be that girl. And well, yeah, they both got a few more than twenty thousand views, but they’re Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus and that baseline doesn’t count. Of course YouTube views alone can’t determine the quality of  house parties when we’re talking about the house parties filmed as the music videos for 22 and We Can’t Stop, both of which are great (yes, great) pop songs from ridiculously famous (and great?) pop singers. Taylor and Miley decided to film their parties for everyone to see and we just don’t have a good, objective way to determine which was the least worst. Which of these girls would I be least likely to backhand after she finally removed her S4 from my face?

I guess I’ve been left with no choice.

We had no good, objective way to determine who had the least worst fake music video house party… UNTIL NOW.


I’ve decided it will take nine categories to declare a true champion, four of which will be judged today and the remaining five in Part 2 later this week. Warning: these categories will not be fantastically relevant. So let’s roll right into them:

HIPPEST KIDS: Much has been made about hipster Taylor Swift of late, what with the bangs and the floral print shirts and basically just the We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together video, which I don’t think even Wes Anderson could squeeze more twee out of if he tried. And indeed, her friend group is “edgier” in the 22 video than it was in, say, Fifteen (shouts out to small-town high school fashion). They look the part at least. Obviously the Instagram filter over the entire video helps, but it’s also not like every single outfit Taylor wears hasn’t been featured in an Urban Outfitters catalog at some point in the last two years. The issue is that, while “hipness” is a nebulous concept, it certainly involves more than simply an image: at some point you’ve got to do something fun, or at least cool or something. As in, do like the opposite of putting on your leopard-sleeve leather jacket, walking into a packed room and then immediately sitting down and jamming out with you headphones on.

It's not cute. I don't care that you may be an objective 9. It's not cute.

It’s not cute. I don’t care that you may be an objective 9. It’s not cute.

Miley’s friends on the other hand both look cool (not in a highly-studied photoshoot way but rather the preferred don’t-give-a-fuck fashion) and act the part too. Yo, that guy at the :25 mark who eats a money sandwich: WHEN HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYONE ACTUALLY EAT A MONEY SANDWICH?! Then that one model-looking chick acts like she’s cutting off her finger at :59 but it’s frosting and of course there’s the trio of twerking girls with Miley who are only tapping into the power of July 2013’s most “In” word. Is any of this actually in the avant-garde of hipness right now? Well, maybe not, but it’s all in the avant-garde of “I want to party with these kids and not those other losers with the headphones,” which is the concept at the heart of the discussion about the definition of hip/cool. The hip kids are the ones everyone else wants to be with and Miley strikes with a decisive early point. Swift: 0 / Miley: 1

DID CHIEF KEEF SHOW UP?: Actually, Miley just won that last category so hard that I wanted to give her double points but I couldn’t because that’s against the rules (rules man, THAT’S THAT SHIT I DON’T LIKE. By the way, that link is your only chance to find out who Keef is if you don’t know). So I just created another category she could win too. I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t actually Chief Keef, but he’s closer to him than the one black guy in Swift’s video. Swift: 0 / Miley: 2

Almost decided to make another category for "Did someone with TWO TONUGES show up?"

Almost decided to make another category for “Did someone with TWO TONGUES show up?”

BESTEST BFF: But you can only have so many random Keef look-alikes at a house party before they start exponentially decreasing in value. When it comes down to it, the best moments at a party often happen with the best friend forever who was there before the night started and who’ll be there for the hangover tomorrow. Except in Miley’s case, this supposed “bff” doesn’t show up until the sun shows up? Here’s out suspect:

Where’s she been all night? Oh yeah, I forgot: JUST DOING DRUGS IN THE BATHROOM AND NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT MILEY. But Miley’s willing to forgive. She’s willing to go back to being friends as the sun rises. But this chick is so drugged out and dead inside (more on that in part 2) that all she can do while Miley literally smothers her in love is this:

Every girl deserves better. It’s a little difficult sometimes to figure out who Taylor’s bestie is since she’s surrounded at all times by a whole crew of them, but the girl who emerges as her champion does so by doing exactly what Miley’s “friend” doesn’t: she’s by her side  throughout the party itself, not before, not after, only when the spotlight’s on and it really matters. It’s this girl, participating in one of the few actually cute moments in the 22 video:

Well meow to you ladies too!

Well meow to you ladies too!

I like this moment. It seems unscripted. I think it’s besties being besties. I don’t think purple-haired girl has any concept of the term “friend.” At 3:20, Taylor and her friend ride bikes together too. Miley’s friend was riding something else most of her night, we must assume. Swift 1 / Miley 2

ILLICIT SUBSTANCES: Okay, but now I’m gonna go contradict myself. Sure, Miley’s friend looks drugged out, but how do we know she actually was? Because there are no illicit substances shown in the video! So how can we know?! And can someone answer me: what’s the point of a house party without booze or drugs? The video would have us believe they’re all just off-camera (and maybe I do believe that) but the fact is that there is zero evidence of either in the video itself. Just money sandwiches. Now of course Miley’s still only 20 years old, so that pretty much explains it. Breaking the law and being a bad role model are both bad things. But oh wait, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT THERE’S A LINE IN THE SONG ABOUT SNORTING COCAINE IN THE BATHROOM. Isn’t that illegal for everybody? Miley, you’ve already crossed the bad role model bridge, girl. Might as well go all the way, right? No one forced you to make a song about cocaine with a wild house party video, so if you’re going to make something like this, take it to the limit and finish the job.

Taylor Swift and co. don’t exactly go “hard” per se on the alcohol, but at least it’s there. On video. Stacked in a tower, actually. Look, evidence:

Either you put up or shut up. Swift 2 / Miley 2