The Week in VEVO: A Painting with Your VEVO

by williedollars

If you want to just see all the newest music videos from everyone who matters, no one’s stopping you from going to VEVO.com’s music video premieres page. But if you want a different gimmick each week to add a totally unnecessary new layer of meaning to these videos, well, you’ve probably come to the only place on the internet for that.

This week: ART HISTORICALLY NOTABLE PAINTINGS TO COMPLEMENT YOUR MUSIC VIDEOS

I like to imagine the guys in the thawbs are actually Kanye, Big Sean, and 2 Chainz fresh off the set of the Mercy video, having decided sensibly to resell the car and invest the profits in Baroque paintings. But I guess you can read this photo differently too if you want to.

I like to imagine the guys in the thawbs are actually Kanye, Big Sean, and 2 Chainz fresh off the set of the Mercy video, having decided sensibly to resell the car and invest the profits in Baroque paintings. But I guess you can read this photo differently too if you want to.

Mariah Carey – #Beautiful (Explicit Version) ft. Miguel

Let’s count the ways Mariah phones it in on this song and video: 1. She lets Miguel sing the opening verse AND the chorus! 2. She makes a video that consists of absolutely nothing but her doing a little sexy dance for Miguel! 3. She obviously ad-libs the entire dance! 4. She puts a hashtag in front of the song name!

How could Mariah do this? This seems as preposterous as, I don’t know, like, the formative French impressionist painter  Édouard Manet giving up painting masterpieces like Olympia and Le déjeuner sur l’herbe to paint stalks of asparagus! Something like that would never happ–Oh, wait.

Ke$ha – Crazy Kids ft. will.i.am

Since Ke$ha’s gone RiFF RAFF-style crazy in this video, I figured it’s only appropriate to introduce her to one of modern art’s crazies, the surrealist Yves Tanguy. Why a lesser-known surrealist like Tanguy? Well, because for one thing, Crazy Kids is not as good as some of Ke$ha’s best work, just as Tanguy wasn’t as visionary as someone like Dali. However, it also seems like the song’s slowly building chorus could bounce around nicely in the otherworldly landscape of Tanguy’s Mama, Papa is Wounded! Or at least will.i.am could swim through it I guess.

Il Volo – We Are Love

Frans Hals’ Laughing Cavalier isn’t laughing at them for singing pop opera because hey man, that shit’s HUGE in Austria. He’s laughing at them for guy on the right’s outfit at 1:24.

Jessie J – WILD ft. Big Sean and Dizzee Rascal

Jessie J is a little bit too full of herself much like a certain Young British Artist who covered a platinum skull cast with a couple thousand diamonds, called it “art,” and then couldn’t find any poor sap to buy it off him for his ridiculous asking price. It’s starting to get embarrassing listening to her “show off” her voice by recklessly throwing it at whatever gratuitous power note she can find and coming up with a warble that autotune can just barely save. She does this in Domino too, but that is a much better-composed pop song than WILD, so we overlook it there. WILD simply won’t stay in my head like its predecessor, even if Jessie struts alone like a star for a full minute at the beginning of the video. Speaking of the video, Jessie is apparently surrounded by other over-inflated-ego people including the supposed artiste directing the video, Emil Nava. Dude, Emil, if you’re going to put your name in big letters at the start of the video, at least make sure it’s better than Mariah’s phone it in video from above. I’m not sure it is.

Also, I know that skull’s not a painting.

P9 – My Favorite Girl

This is apparently an up-and-coming boy band from Brazil. I’m truly sorry for having introduced you to them. There are many questions to ask about this video (like what the fuck is every person in the band except the blond kid doing?!) but I will limit my analysis to the lyrics. I don’t fault them for not speaking English as their first language, but there is literally more literal meaning in the “words” in Cy Twombly’s Blackboard Paintings than there is in the lyrics to My Favorite Girl. I don’t know how but there just is. Also, what sounds worse? Fingernails screeching across that painting or P9ers screeching the word “GIRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLL”?

Snoop Lion – Ashtrays and Heartbreaks ft. Miley Cyrus

Apparently there’s enough darkness in the world right now to make Snoop change his name and start kind-of-singing and make Miley Cyrus believe that even she is qualified to help people through their addiction issues and stuff. All these concerning revelations should indicate that the end is near, so prepare yourself by studying the work of Ad Reinhardt which reveals all the subtle little gradiations where lives, and musical careers, can go wrong.

Tyga – For The Road ft. Christ Brown

The video for the catchiest song of the week (mainly because Chris Brown is on fire right now) switches up the color palette from that last downer. The only thing to remember about this video is that while Tyga and Chris may be looking extra fly in all white and about to head to Rack City for one last “fuck for the road,” once the camera turns off and their girls are gone, they’ll look a lot more like Gilles in their white clothes, like lonely, mocked pierrots as painted by Antoine Watteau. And with that, I think I just created an unnecessary downer out of this video too! Mission accomplished for just another week in VEVO.

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